Hard Decisions

Before I had kids, I had no idea the countless decisions I would make for them.  It starts from the moment they wake up:  what to eat, what to wear, what to do, how to engage them, how to handle their meltdowns, how to burn their energy, etc.  But those are just the little decisions, that we parents make without even thinking about them.  They are not the ones that keep us up at night, like: who is the best board-certified pediatrician for my child, what preschool will nurture my child's love for learning, who will I trust to care for my children once I return to work, etc.  This last one has kept me up at night.  A lot.  And I have shed a lot of tears over this one as well.

I'm not sure if my struggle is more about who is going to be with them to teach, guide, love, and care for them while I'm at work. . .  OR the fact that it will no longer be ME.  I realize there are probably lots of capable people out there, but no one knows the little things about my kids that I like to think make them feel loved. For instance, Caleb needs to be cradled in a quiet room, in the crook of your arm, and rocked for a good 5-10 mins before naptime.  And Mackenzie may not know it, but if she becomes short tempered or whiny, then she probably needs a snack and has low blood sugar.  These are little things that only a mother knows, and things that are hard for day care providers to provide, when they have other kids to care for, and set schedules for things.

I was blessed to take a year off when I had Mackenzie, and then return part-time to job share until Caleb was born.  Now I am taking my last year of  Childcare Leave (my District gives you 2, while holding a spot at your building) to spend with them both before returning in the Fall.  I really am not trying to complain.  I know there are lots of people who would have loved to have the time off that I have.  I know there are kids who have gone to daycare centers since they were 6 weeks old.  My guilt is that my kids have always had me.  Even when I worked part time, they never had to go more than 2-3 days without me.  They are used to lots of 1 on 1 time, lots of snuggles, lots of unstructured activities, lots of Mommy time.  They will go from having Mommy 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, to having Mommy 5 days a week for about 4 hours a day (1 hr before daycare and about 3 afterwards) with only 2 full days on the weekend.  I feel like my time with them has gone by so fast already, I can't imagine how fast it will go by next year when I am with them less.  I feel like I am losing them in a way, and that they are losing me.  I will no longer be the one to provide them with answers to their curious questions, to observe them learn and try new things, or be the one who knows everything about them and their day. 

I know there are positivies though.  Mackenzie LOVES going to preschool.  Down the road, I will try to sell the concept of their new daycare center as her "new school", where she gets to go everyday to learn and play.  She loves making new friends, and will already have a few friends that she knows (a neighbor and one of my best friends son's) in her class (another reason I am picking this location).  I think she will enjoy all the activies, frienships and learning that will take place there.  I think after a little adjustment in the beginning, she will do fine.  I know Caleb too will enjoy socializing and playing with other kids his age.  I'm sure he will find his daycare room to be stimulating, filled with new toys, new friends to play with, and loving teachers to care for him.   But, I just  wonder what the little guy will think when day after day I drop him off in a room full of strangers, and don't return for 8 hours.  I wonder how he will feel when he realizes that at naptime he will no longer be rocked in a silent room, with cuddles from Mommy.  I can't help but wonder if he will think that he has done something wrong.  I fear that the happy boy who always wears a smile on his face, will change because of this.  I fear that in changing the way everything is done for him, that part of his security and sense of being loved will be stripped away.  I fear that it will change him into a different person, and that sweet smile will disappear.
I knew this day would come.  I am so thankful for my husband who has allowed me time off with my kids, and who has supported our family while I worked part time, and then within our house.  I have loved every single minute with these kids (okay, so maybe not the 5 a.m. wake up calls that have been occuring recently), every memory we are making, every snuggle before naptime, every game of candy land with Mackenzie in the middle of the afternoon (and there have been a lot).  We have a lot more memories to make before our lives change in the next few months.  Instead, I think I'll enjoy the tough decisions that these days ahead bring.  Like should I squeeze my shower in before or after preschool drop off?  Should we make pancakes or eggs for breakfast?    Should we go to the grocery store before or after naptime?.  Should I snuggle my baby in the crook of my arm for a few minutes longer before I lay him into bed.  You know the anwer to that one! 

Hard decisions.  They are a part of life.  They weigh on us.  They make us lose sleep.  But, they  make us realize what is really important.  I am thankful for that. My family is precious to me, they always have been, and in light of returning to work, feel even more precious.  The decisions that prompted this blog will make me a better Mom in the months ahead.  It will make me appreciate my time with them and help me to make the most of it.  I will enjoy my title of "stay at home Mom" while it lasts. Precious memories will be made, that I can guarantee.

It's all about the 1/2

My little girl is all about "getting bigger" these days.  If you ask, she is 4 AND a 1/2.  And the "half "is a really big deal.  Every night before bed, she measures herself to see how tall she is on her butterfly growth chart, and she is convinced that each night she is significantly taller than the night before. 

Where did this adorable baby go? 

Has anyone seen her?

  I swear, just moments ago she looked just like this. . .

How is it possible that in the blink of an eye, she has vanished, and turned into this amazing, imaginative, funny, spirited 4 AND a half year old?

....if I look close, I can still catch a glimpse of her, in those big beautiful brown eyes. . .

 (modeling the flower girl dress she will wear in Aunt Emily's wedding this Spring).

Sweet girl, please slow down.  Stay mine for a little a bit longer.  Don't rush "getting bigger".  I'm not quite ready for this.  I know my days of knowing every little detail of your life are limited.  I know soon enough that I will not be the one you come to to share your troubles and heartaches.  All too soon, you will stop believing that I have all the answers and will think the exact opposite.  Until then, I will enjoy every snuggle on the couch, every story before bed, and every simple conversation.  Because the things that fly out of your mouth these days are hysterically funny and thought provoking (which is another blog all in itself). 

I love you big girl, but please, please, please, slow down a bit.

1st Birthday Cake

I'm pretty sure he is a fan!  We love you sweet boy!  Hope all your birthday wishes come true!

35 Things You Might Not Know About Me on my 35th

I am officially 35!  Everyone keeps asking me if it was a "hard" b-day.  When I look at all the blessings and experiences I have had in life, I am thankful for 35 amazing years.  Since most of my posts are about my kids, I thought it might be fun one day for them (and maybe even you) to know some things about me that they might not have ever known. This will probably be terribly boring for most, so feel free to skip over.   So here it goes. .  .

1. I was involved in a class action lawsuit early in my career, and helped remove a terrible toxin from the work place. I almost did not come forward for fear of not being believed or losing my job.  I am now proud of the decision I made, and will share the story with my kids one day when they fear going against the grain.

2. I am obsessed with Mexican food.  I'm not sure if I just like the idea that chips and salsa are always free and you can have as much as you want, or if I just truly love the food.  I mean, how many places serve free appetizers as soon as you sit down?  Either way, if I am given the option I will choose Mexican 100% of the time.  Just know this if you ask me to dinner.
 
3. I attended college 12 hours away from home, in a small town where I only knew 2 people.  I was miserable my first few months, but ended up making friendships that forever changed my life and learned that wherever you go, you can find good people.

4. I once took a Western Civilization class in college and found it so terribly boring that I would follow the syllabus and only attend the class on quiz/test/exam days.  Luckily, my professor did not take attendance and left lesson outlines in the library, so I ended up with a pretty good grade regardless of never really hearing a single lecture.

5. I was supposed to be named Paige.  Then Mom and Dad decided that I looked much more like a Jill, and named me after one of their dear friends. 

6. I do not drink milk, but will put it in cereal. I cannot drink something that still sticks the side of a glass when you are finished with it.

7. I have been a bridesmaid in about 8 weddings, and even served cake once.

8. I have always rooted for the underdog and was even know to have given away some of my prized possesions to a girl I attended middle school with who seemed to always go without.  Although I am sure at times, my parents were less than thrilled that I gave alway expensive clothes, shoes and other belongings, especially to someone I barely knew, they never once got on to me. 

9. I tend to order the exact same thing when I go to a restaurant.  If I do go for something new, I always go with the very 1st thing that catches my eye, even if it's completely random for me.

10. I refuse to eat a piece of fish. I don't understand why people would want to eat something that smells bad and is slimy.  Gross.

11. I would rather order a salty appetizer at dinner than a sweet dessert.

12. I am a fan of all things frozen:  Coke Icee's, Frozen Coffee's, Slushies, Snowcones, you name it.  I promise,  I really am turning 35 and not 5! 

13. I would much prefer a road trip to flying. I am a ball of nerves when I fly. I am that person you see wandering aimlessly through an airport with a worried look on her face trying to find her connecting flight, the bathroom or baggage claim.



14. My passport has stamps from:  The Cayman Island, Jamaica, Aruba and Mexico.  Not bad for someone who is a nervous flyer.

15. I hate waking up early in the morning, and if I didn't have kids would probably sleep until 10 or 11 a.m.  Darn those kids. . . :)

16. I feel the need to have a 9 p.m. snack everynight. Regardless of if I am really hungry or not.  I have NO IDEA why I cannot shed this extra weight I have been holding onto since having Caleb, no idea, nope none at all.

17. I love going to concerts and hearing live music.  Be it a well known band or someone completely unknown. There is something so moving about music, and it is something I could not live without.

18. My favorite date night is The Movie Tavern with my hubby.  Dinner and a movie at the same time.  Heaven!

19. I had a dog named Gina, growing up, who saved my life by protecting me from a neighbors violent dog who jumped our fence.  She almost lost her life in the process, but fought through and enjoyed many more good years.

20. I am not a fan of cats.  They creep me out in the sense that they look like enlarged rats.  I have always found it gross knowing that when a cat leaps up in your lap and playfully bats at your face with his paws, that those are the same paws that were just burying their poop in the liter box.  I mean really, who wants that all over their face, pillow, couch? 

21. I do not eat ham, however I will eat bacon and sausage.  Why?  Because regardless of how long you cook ham, it will still be pink, but when you cook bacon and sausage it turns brown.  Totally different. My wonderful in-laws have since traded their traditional ham dinner on Christmas for beef tenderloin just for me. They are the best..and I'm pretty sure they like the new tradition as much as I do!  :)

22. I know firsthand the heartbreak of miscarriage. 

23. I am not your typical girl who loves to shop and spend money. I am much more of a saver and find it hard to part with money on big purchases.

24. I am as  content eating at a food court at the mall or in Target as opposed to going out to a nice dinner.

25. As a child, I used to ride by bike in front of cars with a neighborhood friend, on purpose to freak them out. I was ratted out by Jack Hannah's wife Suzie, who lived a street away. I was grounded from bike riding privledges for a week .  I know, totally ridiculous...the Suzie part of course.  :)

26. Back in the day I enjoyed staying up late and hitting the town. Now, I much prefer a quiet evening home, in my pj's, with an early bedtime.

27. I would much rather drive than be the passenger.

28. I get very frustrated when I see a human being on the side of the road holding a sign promoting a sale for a store, that could be easily staked into the ground.  I find it completely degrading.

29. I love to organize things.  At least twice a year, I remove everything from our fridge/pantry to check expiration dates and to better organize. If I had to pick another profession, it would probably be a professional organizer.

30. I despise birds, yet married a Buzzard.

31. I pick up my house little by little all day long.  While it would probably be better time management to do it once at the end of the day, I cannot stand a big mess.

32. I am a "pitcher".  I live by the motto "if you don't use it, lose it!"
 
33. I love car rides.  There is something very theraputic about a car ride for me.  When I have had a day, I load up the kids in the car, pop in a movie, hand them a snack and just drive!

34. I could easily trade 3 meals a day for all day long snacking.

35. I am obsessed with capturing moments in time on my camera.....probably b/c it's the way you wish life always was, and I never want to forget the moment I am in, as I grow older.

Well, there you have it.  35 useless things, you probably didn't want to know about me. 

Birthday Boy!

Dear Caleb,

I still recall every detail of the day you were born vividly click here.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.  I remember dropping your sister off at Nana and Grandpa's the night before your scheduled C-Section, and thinking that the next time I saw her, she would be the proud big sister.  I remember waking up to my alarm at 6 a.m., showering and packing up the last minute items I would need at the hospital.  I remember the excitement I felt as I checked into Labor and Delivery.  I remember holding your Daddy's hand as my nerves set in for surgery, and then being wheeled away to the Operating Room.  I still remember your sweet cries as you entered  into the world, and the feeling of completeness I felt holding you in my arms for the very first time.  I remember the pure joy and happiness on your grandparents faces when we introduced you to them in the hallway outside the Operating Room.  I remember thinking that I had been blessed beyond measure and I still feel that way today. 

Over the past 12 months, you have filled our house and lives with pure happiness.  You are such an easy baby and rarely fuss.  Everyone who meets you comments on your wonderful disposition and charming smile.  You are pure sunshine.  When I get you out of bed in the morning, you greet me with a big, happy smile.  As we head down the stairs, you look for your sister, and when your eyes catch a glimpse of  her, you let out a big playful scream.  You adore her, and she adores you.  I hope this always stays true.  No matter how rough and tumble she may be with you, you rarely get upset with her.  You roll with the punches in life.   Regardless of whether you are off schedule, late for a nap, or have just had your favorite toy ripped from your hands, you just deal with it and move on. 

There are few things to which you dislike.  You are a boy who loves his food.  Your favorites include:  blueberries, goldfish crackers, hotdogs, peas, apples, bananas, pasta and yogurt.  You are a good eater and eat whatever we give you.  Your sister is the same way, and I hope you continue this trend.  Your favorite activities include crawling up the stairs, opening and closing doors/cabinets, playing catch with Mackenzie, being near Mommy/Daddy, and pushing around your trucks and toys.  You are quite curious and are into everything!  We have to keep a close eye on you b/c you move with great speed and can get in/under/behind small spaces rather fast.  You are an active boy, always on the move!  The only things you are not a big fan of are diaper changes, outfit changes, and car rides, but you are getting better!

I adore the way a smile or funny sound can heal your boo boo's.  I love how easy it is to make you laugh, and how you laugh with your whole boy.  You have helped me take on the world with a smile, have fulfilled my dream of having a mother/son relationship, and have added more happiness to our family than I could ever explain in words. It has been an absolute honor to bring you into this World and to watch you grow.  Happy Birthday Son!  We love you!

We love you, Caleb!  What an amazing 1st year!

Love,  Mommy

Time Warp Tuesday - Introducing Caleb Andrew Buzzard

In honor of Caleb's 1st birthday, I have a few priceless videos, never before shared.  The first  few were taken moments after being wheeled out of the Operating Room.  Both sets of Grandparents were waiting outside the door, longing to hear the gender and catch a glimpse of our new arrival.  This video makes me cry everythime I watch it.  Caleb, you were loved from the very moment you were brought into our lives. (Remember to pause the playlist to the right before viewing).

The second is a video Daddy took when we introduced you to Mackenzie for the very first time.  As you will see in the video, she was really hoping for a sister named Maddie.  I will reassure you that within 15 minutes, she was completely smitten with you. . .  and has been ever since.

A Year in Review. . .

2010 was a wonderful year, but definitely had it's challenges.  We added another member to our family, and after finishing out the school year I decided to take a year off to be home with our children...a decision that I will never regret, but one that has taught  me  how hard stay-at-home Mom's really work.  I have honestly never worked harder.  Weeks into Summer, we put our house on the market, made an offer on the house of our dreams (with our house still on the market), closed on the house of our dreams (with our house still on the market), and within days of closing....got an offer and sold the house where our married life had began.  The house where we brought both of our children home from the hospital.  The house that held all of our memories, the good and the bad.  We packed up our lives, moved out with the help of friends and family, and then unpacked our lives,and hopes and dreams into our new home.  We celebrated our first holidays: Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas..It has been action packed to say the least, with a lot of stress, a lot of laughter, and some tears along the way.  But mostly it was filled with lots of wonderful memories.  I wouldn't change a single thing, b/c even the stressful parts of 2010 made us better.  It made us appreciate our love for one another, our 2 amazing children, and our wonderful family and friends. As I look back on 2010, it was probably the most monumental year of our married life, b/c it was full of more changes and challenges than we have ever encountered in our married life together.

I am a "list" type of person  by nature.  I write lists all the time:  to-do-lists, grocery lists, lists to remind me to do something I know my scattered mind will forget, lists of schedules/activities for the week, etc.  So, I always enjoy making a "list" of resolutions for myself, and crossing them off throughout the year.  I believe in the power of a list to hold you accountable, and to remind you of what needs to be done, and to give you hope and change for the future.   With that said, here is my list for 2011....

*I will spend less time focusing on how clean and organized my house is, and more time enjoying the people within it (this is hard for a Type A person, but I resolve to do it!).

*I will MAKE time for myself each week.  Whether it's getting together for a girl's night out, going for a walk /run for some alone time, grocery shopping w/o two kids in tow, or treating myself to a pedicure....I will do it.  Not just for me, but for our family.  Sometimes being away makes you refreshed and reenergized and a better member of the family.

*I will work out 3-4 times a week.  I will finally shed those pesky 10-15 pounds that have been preventing me from wearing my old wardrobe and creating stress in the morning.

*I will only allow myself 2-3 Iced Cappuccino's  a week, from Tim Horton's.  This will help me with my above goal, but will also save us $2.87 a day....yes, I said it....a day.  Shameful, I know.  Sigh...

*I will try to do at least one random act of kindness once a week.  I truly believe that one person can make a big change in someones life....even if it is a random stranger, or something seemingly small.

*I will try to meet my husband at the door with a smile and a kiss, instead of with frustration or a request as I sometimes do. 

*I will practice more patience with my children and enjoy every day I have with them.  Even the days that can sometimes seem to last forever or be filled with challenges.  Because it goes by quick, and one day I will wish I still held the power to heal their heartaches and solve all their sorrows with a silly joke, funny face or bear hug. 

Here's to 2011!   I can't wait to see what you have in store for us!