Hard Decisions

Before I had kids, I had no idea the countless decisions I would make for them.  It starts from the moment they wake up:  what to eat, what to wear, what to do, how to engage them, how to handle their meltdowns, how to burn their energy, etc.  But those are just the little decisions, that we parents make without even thinking about them.  They are not the ones that keep us up at night, like: who is the best board-certified pediatrician for my child, what preschool will nurture my child's love for learning, who will I trust to care for my children once I return to work, etc.  This last one has kept me up at night.  A lot.  And I have shed a lot of tears over this one as well.

I'm not sure if my struggle is more about who is going to be with them to teach, guide, love, and care for them while I'm at work. . .  OR the fact that it will no longer be ME.  I realize there are probably lots of capable people out there, but no one knows the little things about my kids that I like to think make them feel loved. For instance, Caleb needs to be cradled in a quiet room, in the crook of your arm, and rocked for a good 5-10 mins before naptime.  And Mackenzie may not know it, but if she becomes short tempered or whiny, then she probably needs a snack and has low blood sugar.  These are little things that only a mother knows, and things that are hard for day care providers to provide, when they have other kids to care for, and set schedules for things.

I was blessed to take a year off when I had Mackenzie, and then return part-time to job share until Caleb was born.  Now I am taking my last year of  Childcare Leave (my District gives you 2, while holding a spot at your building) to spend with them both before returning in the Fall.  I really am not trying to complain.  I know there are lots of people who would have loved to have the time off that I have.  I know there are kids who have gone to daycare centers since they were 6 weeks old.  My guilt is that my kids have always had me.  Even when I worked part time, they never had to go more than 2-3 days without me.  They are used to lots of 1 on 1 time, lots of snuggles, lots of unstructured activities, lots of Mommy time.  They will go from having Mommy 7 days a week, 24 hours a day, to having Mommy 5 days a week for about 4 hours a day (1 hr before daycare and about 3 afterwards) with only 2 full days on the weekend.  I feel like my time with them has gone by so fast already, I can't imagine how fast it will go by next year when I am with them less.  I feel like I am losing them in a way, and that they are losing me.  I will no longer be the one to provide them with answers to their curious questions, to observe them learn and try new things, or be the one who knows everything about them and their day. 

I know there are positivies though.  Mackenzie LOVES going to preschool.  Down the road, I will try to sell the concept of their new daycare center as her "new school", where she gets to go everyday to learn and play.  She loves making new friends, and will already have a few friends that she knows (a neighbor and one of my best friends son's) in her class (another reason I am picking this location).  I think she will enjoy all the activies, frienships and learning that will take place there.  I think after a little adjustment in the beginning, she will do fine.  I know Caleb too will enjoy socializing and playing with other kids his age.  I'm sure he will find his daycare room to be stimulating, filled with new toys, new friends to play with, and loving teachers to care for him.   But, I just  wonder what the little guy will think when day after day I drop him off in a room full of strangers, and don't return for 8 hours.  I wonder how he will feel when he realizes that at naptime he will no longer be rocked in a silent room, with cuddles from Mommy.  I can't help but wonder if he will think that he has done something wrong.  I fear that the happy boy who always wears a smile on his face, will change because of this.  I fear that in changing the way everything is done for him, that part of his security and sense of being loved will be stripped away.  I fear that it will change him into a different person, and that sweet smile will disappear.
I knew this day would come.  I am so thankful for my husband who has allowed me time off with my kids, and who has supported our family while I worked part time, and then within our house.  I have loved every single minute with these kids (okay, so maybe not the 5 a.m. wake up calls that have been occuring recently), every memory we are making, every snuggle before naptime, every game of candy land with Mackenzie in the middle of the afternoon (and there have been a lot).  We have a lot more memories to make before our lives change in the next few months.  Instead, I think I'll enjoy the tough decisions that these days ahead bring.  Like should I squeeze my shower in before or after preschool drop off?  Should we make pancakes or eggs for breakfast?    Should we go to the grocery store before or after naptime?.  Should I snuggle my baby in the crook of my arm for a few minutes longer before I lay him into bed.  You know the anwer to that one! 

Hard decisions.  They are a part of life.  They weigh on us.  They make us lose sleep.  But, they  make us realize what is really important.  I am thankful for that. My family is precious to me, they always have been, and in light of returning to work, feel even more precious.  The decisions that prompted this blog will make me a better Mom in the months ahead.  It will make me appreciate my time with them and help me to make the most of it.  I will enjoy my title of "stay at home Mom" while it lasts. Precious memories will be made, that I can guarantee.